


Noodles for Assholes

by HappyLeech



Series: A Series for Assholes [2]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Flower Shop, Drinking, Gen, Non-Overwatch AU, Noodle Incidents, Roombas, Short Chapters, Side Stories
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-02
Updated: 2016-08-11
Packaged: 2018-07-28 20:42:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7655986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HappyLeech/pseuds/HappyLeech
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Side Stories and bullshit that go along with Flowers for Assholes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Honestly, Lena didn’t need a reason to get drunk. The fact that Jesse had brought home booze was as good a reason as any to get smashed.

Something she regretted when she woke up the next morning and found her hair covered in stickers and what she assumed was her leftover noodles from the Thai place down the street.

…Scratch that—It was 2 PM, her mouth tasted like a lifetime of bad ideas, and she was going to strangle her roommate.

Practically dragging herself out of her room, Lena encountered the first oddity of the day when she looked in the mirror.

_‘lenaaaaa’_   
_‘dollfafe’_   
_‘head’_   
_‘eyebow’_

Covering her face were labels from a label maker, and with a grimace Lena pulled one from her neck, the words _‘propty of AL’_ falling into the sink alongside the noodles. Where the hell’d a label maker even come from?

“McCree! What the fuck did you do to me last night!” She stormed into the living room, knowing that Jesse would be passed out on the floor or couch instead of his bed after a night of booze, and was rewarded by a high pitched whine.

Curled up on the floor next to the couch was Jesse McCree, shirt puled up over his face, and the Roomba in a death grip. The robot was making forlorn beeping sounds, and each time it did so, Jesse tried to dig his face further into his arm.

At this point, Lena had no sympathy, but she wasn’t going to let the only thing in the apartment that did anything die of an empty battery.

“Let go of the Roomba, love. It’s gonna die and take forever to recharge if you don’t let me plug it in, you daft prick!” Crouching, she barely managed to pry it away from him, and carried it to the recharging station.

Then Lena turned to really look at the room. There were cans and bottles all over the place, a small mountain of half-eaten fast food—where the noodles had come from obviously—and the offending item.

“Leeeeena…why’s the world so loud?” His arms now holding nothing but his aching head, Lena watched as Jesse rolled onto his stomach, grumbling and whining until she threw one of the couch throws over his head.

“I dunno. Why’d you buy a label maker?” God, today more than ever she was glad that her hangovers weren’t so severe. Jesse looked like death, or so she assumed seeing as he was covered up now.

Instead of a reply, he seemed to shrink under the blanket, a feat since the blanket wasn’t that large, and Lena sighed.

“You owe me for cleaning this shit up.”

And he owed her even more once she really looked into the kitchen. There was no need for him to have put a sticker on absolutely everything! The bathroom wasn’t any better once she really looked around, picking _‘shoap’_ from the bar of soap beside the sink, and finding what looked like 9 stickers with the word _‘water’_ floating in the toilet.

Jesus, even her overalls and work keys were labeled.

Later that night, after Jesse had eaten something and taken at least 3 painkillers, Lena made a point of holding up the label maker, shaking her head, and hiding it.

“This thing is too dangerous in your hands, and if I find you with one again, I’m going to bean you in the head with something.”

(At least Bastion was a cute name for the Roomba.)


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> McCree is petty as fuck

“Jesse McCree, you need a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. Or, hell, friends that aren't me.”

 

Jesse looked up from where he was sitting in the floor, carefully removing a hair ball from Bastion’s tracks, and grunted. “Now, what makes ya say that, Lena? You should know by now that Bastion’s the only one for me, darlin’.”

He put the robot down, smiling as it bumped into his legs which he chose to read as affection rather than just the roomba doing its thing, and was promptly smacked upside the head. “Lenaaaaaa…”

“Don't you ‘Lena’ me, Jess. you've vag-blocked me 5 times, and I'm not letting tonight be number 6. Me and Am have a date, and I want to have sex when it's done, so you need to scram.” Lena crossed her arms, and Jesse flopped back on the ground with a sigh. 

“An’ what am I supposed to do then? I was going to sit on the couch and watch television, but now you’ve gone and ruined my plans with Bastion.”

 

Still, Jesse let himself get chased from the apartment before Amelie arrived, not wanting to deal with seeing her in person. The 5 times he’d walking in on her or Lena in a state of undress was enough for him.

Okay—it wasn’t that he didn’t like Lena’s girlfriend, but she always gave him this smarmy look, and that just made him want to ruin her night in small ways. Things like hiding the salt when she was over for dinner, or running water when she was having a shower. 

“…man, I’m a dick.” He finally admitted to himself, flopping down on one of the couches in the foyer of the apartment building, throwing his feet up on the coffee table and grabbing for a magazine off the side table.

 

Ah, yes. Modern Mommy, the perfect read for him.

 

And that was how, 20 minutes, one awkward conversation, and a bad joke later, Jesse McCree finally met the grandson of the landlord and found a couch to crash on for the night.

(Amelie was smug as hell the next day once she saw him, and he retaliated by spending an hour and a half in the shower before she got a chance to brush her teeth)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My sister said I should tag this as Bastion/McCree because they were 'cuddling' in the last lil bit and I just--
> 
> apparently it's illegal to murder your family at work for bad jokes and terrible ideas
> 
> also mccree is hella petty

**Author's Note:**

> So ppl wanted McCree labeling everything and I figured why not make a thing of it. I have never been drunk or around hungover people so????? This is inaccurate????? Sorry
> 
> ( [Personal Tumblr](http://happyleech.tumblr.com/) / [Overwatch Tumblr](http://over-swatch.tumblr.com//) )


End file.
